I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
