i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
