I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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