I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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