the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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