Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
