Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
