i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
