college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
