Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
