I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
