Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
