I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
