I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
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