I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
