So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
