My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
