apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Best friends brother. Beat that.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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