If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
