I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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