I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
