I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
He disabled his match.com account in front of me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
she pinky promised me she was 18
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
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