God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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