Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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