Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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