Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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