just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
