Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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