saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
Randomize
