Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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