I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
