you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
