I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Randomize
