just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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