who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
