He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
