I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Randomize
