She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I want her autograph on my taint
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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