I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
