I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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