i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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