Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
