Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's blow job season.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
