I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
