He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
