DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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