I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
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