fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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