maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
