Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
