i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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