Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
