just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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