the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
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