i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
