90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
