This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
