Don't you send me to vm
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Randomize
