Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
