when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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