I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
