Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Even my vagina gasped.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
