Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
